Growing Old

Sometimes I struggle as a parent.  I often think to myself would it be easier if Mark wasn't who he is?  On other days I think that things are a breeze with him...and thank god things are the way they are.  Mark has an innocents that is truly amazing.  He talks about Santa almost daily.  He loves the change of every season, and the excitement that comes with it!  For most New Englanders that last only the first couple days of the new season...but not for Mark.  It could be the 100th snow storm, and it's just as exciting as the first one!  


Like every parent I find myself questioning everything I do when it comes to my child.  Who ever knew it could be so hard?  As a parent you provide everything for your child until they become an adult.  Could you ever imagine what you would do if they didn't grow up?  If you asked me that when I was holding my newborn...I would have said " Are you kidding me..that doesn't happen!"  Well it does, and we are living it in our house everyday.  Mark was diagnosed well after birth..so for a long time we were blinded and had no idea what road we were going to travel down.  Here we are 12 years later.  Yes 12...We will have a teenager in our house next year!  A teen that still loves Barney and PBS with all of his heart.  At times I'm so grateful that we won't have the worries of when he's grown up and is out on his own.  Other times I feel angry and sad.  I want Mark to have friends and girlfriends..I want him to drive and be independent.  I just don't see that happening.  He has come such a long way...further then any doctor had thought.  As he gets older I have come to terms with what his adult life may be like.  It will be amazing for him...I know he will always be happy, and we will always have joy in our home.  I know we are not the only family that is going through this..but sometimes it sure does feel like it.  I have these thoughts often daily:  What happens when Chris and I get old?  Who will be there for Mark?  Who will know all the little things about him like we do?  
Whenever I leave him now, I have the same feeling I did when he was an infant.  That will never go away.  
I guess this all stems from realizing were growing old and evolving as a family.  We are different as a family unit then we were 5 years ago...for the better I'm sure.  It also doesn't help that I fear growing old.  If I could stay young forever I would!  So maybe that's it..Mark doesn't have such a bad gig...I shouldn't feel guilty.  He will be forever young :)