Always Different

Every time we come to dialysis it is a different experience.  Some days are better then other.  I just never know what to expect.  Today Mark has had a tough start..blood pressure drop, nausea.  He seemed to bounce back after about an hour or so.  This makes it hard on us...with it being unpredictable and his medication levels not being so stable,  I always feel on edge.  If he rolls his eyes my stomach flips because I think he going to start seizing.  I just thought it would get easier quicker!  I have had countless offers from people wanting to take him in for treatment.  I truly appreciate it...but no way.  I need to be with him all the time.  I think as long as he is on dialysis I will be the only one with him.  Then I think to myself am I selfish, too worried or what?  Why not take the help..the offers.  No just scared and this is what works for me.  I would never forgive myself if he had a hard time and I wasn't with him.  Maybe some think this not the best for my well being to always be with him, but I don't.  I know when I need a break, and I take them when I can.  I hope after tomorrows family meeting we will be more informed and excited to move forward.  I would of course do this for the rest of Mark's life if I had to. I am not going to lie by saying we are almost a month out from the day this all started...December 22nd.  It feels like it has been a life time.  I do believe that god gives you what you can handle.  I use to wonder why he trusts me so much...now I thank him for allowing me to be Mark's mom.